Self Love

by Hetty Driessen

Self Love is for most people the hardest thing to do, be, give. They might have been told it was selfish to do things for self, be self and to give to self.

Self Love to me means, honouring what I am feeling, listening to my heart and following through on my heart's desire.

Those who know my "heart" story can just read the purple bits, but I promise I kept it light and have thrown some humour in there.

I learnt the hard way. About 4.5 years ago, when I was still very much a people pleaser, doing for others without giving me a lot of thought, I ended up having a major Angina attack at Kuala Lumpur Airport just after 5Am in the morning with no-one around, a lot of hand luggage and no knowledge of local language. A one-eyed Aussie from outback Qld came up to me and asked: ”Are you alright mate”? I immediately trusted him and while looking after my luggage, and me going to the bathroom, he got help from a cleaning lady. The Dr finally came at 7am. He put me on ECG, found some irregularities in the valves and gave me some angina tablets. After a lot of begging he let me fly after a promise that I would see my doctor in Oz on my return. I was wheel-chaired around from then on and wasn't allowed to lift anything. Texted my girlfriend back home that I might arrive like that in Brisbane and that my bags were being carried. Her humorous reply was:” Geez you'd do anything to get your bags carried and to be wheeled around.

After an eventful weekend I finally got to my doctor and after a blood-test it was confirmed that I had had a heart attack and he wanted to admit me to hospital immediately.

Emergency knew I was coming, as my Dr had faxed the details, by the time I got there. I was admitted, stayed for a few days and I was supposed to go home on the Saturday and to wait for a call from PA Hospital to come for the Angiogram. The doctors had forgotten about me and the nurse couldn't sign me out, so I stayed, helped a woman with heart problems, who had picked up a stomach bug as well, so poor bugger was eliminating from both ends. I gave her lots of Reiki. Then there was the elderly lady with dementia, who kept walking away and into the men's ward with bare bottom showing out of her hospital gown. I kept chasing her and bringing her back. There were only 2 nurses on for 4 x 6 wards with 8 new arrivals. They were not coping and I felt OK at the time, doing a 6-8 hour shift. That night I had another attack and when the Cardiologist came around he immediately transferred me to a private room and said there was no way I was going home, he couldn't trust me to take it easy, so I would leave GC for PA in ambulance when they were ready for me. On hindsight I could see that HS was at work here, so that things would get moving faster. They knew I couldn't just lay back and do nothing while there was mayhem on the ward or work to be done for my clients.

In the mean time, I had 6 weeks work waiting for me, which was going to take care of my credit card which was maxed out, and I couldn't take care of it. I am a bookkeeper by daytime and June/July is my busiest time. No work, no money. No money in the bank, so stress became a huge factor causing more attacks. Friends came from everywhere to help, some paid a week's rent, others paid the phone bill, others again paid further weeks rent and things were taken care of without me even knowing. A 72 YO De La Salle Brother walked from Bauer ST to GC Hosp every day, while not well at all himself and collected my washing and had that done for me, in Brisbane PA Hosp one of the social workers took care of that. These amazing deeds done by people I hardly knew.

For my birthday, my then choir buddies called me on the mobile and sang “I'll be there” for me, which had me bawling.

I had to learn the very hard way to surrender to Holy Spirit/God/Creator, Universe, by whatever name you know it by, but it was sooo challenging as I had ALWAYS looked after myself and was very independent. I had to let go and let God and ALLOW people to actually truly love me and take care of me.

Then the day of the angiogram came. That procedure fascinated me, but they didn't do anything and nobody told me what was going on for two days. I was beside myself and then finally the head cardiologist came and told me that I had to have at least a 3-Bypass, which turned in to a fiver. ICU was a nightmare, but that's another story. I did everything the nurses had told me and I was the only patient operated on in 2 days that went home after 5 days. Not home, as I live by myself and you can't do a darn thing for 5 weeks.   The Aged care place where I had been the administrator for 4 years offered me a Respite room with full care for the 5 weeks and in return I started working within a couple of days, first only a couple of hours a day. It was amazing. I was just soo blessed and soo looked after. Thank You. Thank You.

What this has taught me is to honour myself a heck of a lot more than I used to. I allow people to help me, I can now even ask people to help me. I've learned to say NO, when needed and not please everyone else and putting my needs last. Now I do what " I like" to do. I also have created bookkeeping clients who allow me to be flexible with time and work when it suits me.

This story has been all about Self Loving, Self honouring, Self Respecting, Self Accepting and allowing others to do same as well, but it has to come from within first. How can we expect anyone to love, honour, respect, nurture and accept us for who we are, if we don't do that for ourselves.

We could check and see how we're doing in these “Self Love” departments and possibly change this for the better.

My Reiki Masters Metaphysical response to Heart By-Passes was What Love are you By-passing? In my case it was 5 of them. After being hurt a few times early in life, I found it challenging to allow me to love a “special” person and receive that same love, which also didn't give me the opportunity to have children. I didn't really love ME, or the Goddess in ME, nor did I allow my creative ME to play and explore, nor did I love the “Little girl” in ME and allow it to blossom. I had shut her out at a very young age. (Not anymore, we have great fun together. Her and I are a great team when I show the passionate/playful teacher that I am during seminars)

I thought to be a giving person was, being a loving one, hence I always gave to others. As long as everybody else was happy, so was I, I thought. Not so, I found out the “hard” way.

I have since changed that program, as everyone is responsible for their own happiness.

I learned about Self Love by having the “Mack-truck” experience. May yours be a gentler experience than mine.

May you all find True Self Love, as from that space you look at the world without judgement, without resentment, without fear, only with compassion.

Healing Blessings to you All from

Your humble and forever growing/evolving servant, who admits wholeheartedly that she's still a "Work In Progress".  

Hetty Driessen - ThetaGateway